


Please Dont leave me

by Wizardchester91



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: Drunken Confessions, Gen, I Don't Even Know, I Ship It, Love Confessions, Pam in an HR session, Rambling, what is my life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-03-21
Packaged: 2018-05-28 04:54:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6315673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wizardchester91/pseuds/Wizardchester91
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Archer...drunk...I have no idea where this is going. Literally. Archer just kinda writes himself, i just do the typing, y'know, cause he's a cartoon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please Dont leave me

*narrator voice* "OK...just...talk into this recording thingy, and we can send it to her. Because apparently you are too much of an emotionally constipated ass to just tell her this shit yourself." 

Pam pressed a button on an ancient looking recording machine, the dolphin puppet discarded on a shelf for the time being. 

Archer took a deep swig of vodka to steady himself. "Thank you....again...for doing this..." He mumbled, eyes full of embarrassed gratitude. 

Pam sighed. "Don't thank me yet. You may still be in hot water even after I send this to her. Emotions aren't just easily fixed yaknow."

He gave a ragged sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I know...She's so stubborn. Seriously."

Pam cast a sympathetic look to her coworker. Mr.Archer was one handsome devil, but sometimes he had absolutely zero clue. 

"I'm going to save the counciling session for later and let you know that we are recording."

Another long draught of vodka, and Archer's hair had somehow begun sticking at odd angles. It was kinda cute,actually, not that Pam would ever say so. She knew she had no chance with him...wasn't sure she even  _wanted_ a chance with him, to be honest. And she knew enough from her mediations with him that he was already two thirds of a bad combination... He was emotional, and drinking. She was not gonna be the third part....pity sex. 

"Ok...so uh...I just like, talk into this thing, right?" He asked. 

"Yup."

"Seriously, how old is this thing....it looks like a dinosaur recorded a mix tape on it." He said laughingly.

Pam sighed. "Just....record your message please? So I can deal with Krieger and his...latest issue."

"Fine. Though I may stick around for that....anyway. Uhh....Lana. Hi...it's uh...Sterling. God I feel like an idiot. I'm talking to a quietly humming shoebox like it's people. Anyway...uhh...I just wanted to say that...I'msorryiwassostupid. I like, really care for you and stuff...and I didn't let you know that, because, if I'm being perfectly honest here, I didn't know how. I'm not over you, and since I can tell you aren't over me either, I thought I would send you this to ask you nicely to....please...take me....back. And I...I know you're mad at me, and you should be...I, I kinda screwed up I guess...but seriously you are so frickin stubborn and I've already apologized like a billion-"

"I'm gonna stop you there,  _before_ you screw this up." Pam interrupted. 

Archer narrowed his eyes. "What could I possibly have been doing wrong?" 

Pam shook her head, reaching for her trusty dolphin but quietly withdrawing her hand when she noticed the look Archer was giving her. 

"If you touch that stupid dolphin I will figuratively beat you to death with it." He warned. 

"Mr Archer, the point of this exercise is for you to accept your wrongdoings.... Regardless of what you feel she did or didn't do, you are not supposed to focus the blame on her." 

He sighed, looked guilty, took another swig. "Fine." He answered quietly, turning back to the machine. 

"Lana....it's me again...I...I just really miss you I guess...and in hindsight there's probably a lot of things I could have done differently. I know you are used to excuses from me, but that's not my fault...I'm a product of my upbringing, Lana. I mean, cmon...my mother isn't exactly what I would call a perfect guide to how to have a successful relationship. I don't think I've ever seen her- anyway. This isn't about her. It's about me....you...Us? I don't even know. I just know when I look at you I get this weird feeling that's vaguely nautious but kinda excited and like I just took way too big of a shot of whiskey. And...and I feel this...this...this.... _stuff_ , and I don't know what to do. So I guess I kinda did it wrong? And I don't know how to fix it...I just know I want to....so..."

He sat back, tipping the bottle to his lips, voice rough and tight. 

"Lana....every time I try to tell you this it's like I say it wrong, and I wish I wasn't such a asshole in like every possible way... Maybe still be a little bit of one...cause like, c'mon ....it's funny, right? Kinda? I guess? Pam goddamnit I need you to answer for this stupid machine or I'm going to shove it down that enormous, gaping throat of yours!" 

"That is no way to talk to an HR supervisor, as well as the friend who currently is trying to save your sorry ass." 

There was an angry shout and a clatter like something being snatched off the desk and thrown, followed by a muffled groan and Cheryl's voice moaning "oooh hit me again damnit! Harder!" From the doorway. 

After a second Archer returned. 

"Anyway... I... I guess what I'm trying to say is I want to change if it means you come back because, again, being perfectly honest here, I might actually be in love with you. So....yeah. Uh....that's it...Pam goddamnit how do you turn this stupid thing off?!!?"

-beep-

 


End file.
